‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ trailer takes boring, cliché-filled book and creates it worse
July 28, 2014 - Fifty Shades of Grey
Does your middle enchantress lean to a winning samba after a passionate attack in an elevator?
Can we hear a sphinx-like grin by a phone, (as opposite to — what? — conference a sphinx-like grin in person?)?
Do we punch your mouth each time we wish to be cute?
Have we ever sealed a agreement earnest not to defecate, rivet in threesomes with large animals or tiny children, or use electric stream and/or OB/GYN instruments while carrying sex with your guy?
Was a birth mom of your rippling muscled, noble of a beloved a moment ’ho?
Have we ever had sex in a Red Room of Pain where we were handcuffed, hung from bondage and smacked with a roving stand while pulpy opposite a wooden cross?
Is your middle goddess, (yes, her again) winning (yes, that again) given we didn’t wisecrack during verbal sex with pronounced muscled mogul?
Do we hurl your eyes so mostly that lerned dogs consider you’re about to have a seizure?
Do we use colors to vigilance risk (other than a Homeland Security terror-alert chart)?
Do we know what a ruin I’m articulate about?
Yes? Then you, my friend, are one of some-more than 100 million females (OK, presumably 20 percent are male), who have plunked down good income for a book or e-book “Fifty Shades of Grey,” that is so bad we should be some-more ashamed of carrying paid for it than for responding “yes” to all of a above questions.
OK, we too am one of a 100 million shame-faced losers who paid for it. The download we mean. (That sounds bad.)
Why? Because some of my friends, despite waste friends, endorsed it, that’s why. we should have kept my word and bound them adult with a fat man from a deli given clearly we have to not have had good sex in 20 years to get a rush out of this thing.
And only when it was protected to lapse to a bookstore, 3 days ago a trailer of a film hit, finish with a terrific, sexed-up chronicle of “Crazy in Love” by Beyoncé. If a book was a cliché-riddled bore, a trailer is worse. It should be called “Fifty Shades of Beige.”
In it, Dakota Johnson (playing Anastasia Steele) and Jamie Dornan (Christian Grey) try to steam adult a lift. The whole thing falls agree and faster than a damaged conveyor from a 50th floor.
Right? No. I’m wrong, given in a initial dual days a trailer got tighten to 12 million hits.
So who is a assembly for this rom-dumb? Mostly women over 50, and housewives home with a kids. And that 20% of group who contingency be even reduction intimately confident than a wearied housewives and women over 50.
“Fifty Shades” author E. L. James knows her assembly given she herself is a 51-year-old lady from England who looks like she would suffer a good violence from “Poor, f-ed up, kinky, munificent Christian.” Or any sex actually.
What is a tip recommendation James dispenses on her website to all those waste ladies out there? “Life is not a dress operation — seize a day and follow your dreams.”
She should be in shackles only for essay that! There should be imperative jail time for anyone who dares to embody some-more than dual clichés in one unintelligible sentence.
Failing that, my middle enchantress prefers shackles to be on criminals — we know, a kind that attack women in elevators.
ON A MOBILE DEVICE? CLICK HERE TO WATCH THE TRAILER.