Théoden Janes: Going ‘Grey’ solo was Fifty Shades of Awkward

February 14, 2015 - Fifty Shades of Grey

“Hey, wanna see ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ with me?”

If you’re a married man, there’s no approach to ask anyone that doubt though sounding creepy. For example:

Me: “Hey, wanna see ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ with me?”

My wife: “Why in a universe would YOU wish to see THAT? Ohhh, we get it. You consider a chicky is hot, right? Typical. Here, save a $12 and root by this Victoria’s Secret catalog.”

Me: “Hey, wanna see ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ with me?”

My crony (insert any man’s name): “Hahaha! Good one, dude! My mother is indeed going with some other moms this weekend. We should get wings that night during Hooters.”

Me: “Hey, wanna see ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ with me?”

My crony (insert any woman’s name): “No. I’m not that kind of girl, and we don’t consider your mother is, either.”

So, we done skeleton to see a not-porn film – starring not-porn singer Dakota Johnson and not-porn actor Jamie Dornan – all by myself. And if during this indicate we are wondering because this sold married male would select to see “Fifty Shades of Grey” by himself, we contend to you: It’s my job.

And, it being my job, we walked around final week announcing to friends and co-workers and anybody else we had to make tiny speak with: “I am going to see ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ on Wednesday night. For work.”

The initial few times, we winked after pity a news; we figured it would make a good kicker. But we consider people didn’t know a winking part, given doing so caused them to transparent their throats and forgive themselves. So we cut that partial out. (Note to self: Only somewhat reduction creepy though a wink.)

On a morning of a screening, we was Fifty Shades of Stressed Out.

I altered outfits 4 or 5 times. These pants are too relaxed for this kind of movie. These pants are too tight. This tone shirt will send a wrong summary to other people in a theater. This span of boxers is too itchy. And no approach am we wearing that trenchcoat.

At a theater, things got really awkward. The studio’s deputy greeted me during a entrance: “Good to see you! So, let’s see … oh, you’re alone? That’s, um, interesting!” we winked during him, and immediately regretted it. Then we flashed him a thumbs-up, fundamentally usually creation it worse.

Inside, we speckled a womanlike crony who’d scored giveaway passes, smiled and waved to her. She looked away, shrank down into her seat, and seemed to unexpected answer a call on her cellphone. we speckled another span of women we knew, sidled over to them, and pronounced “Hello!” while facing a titillate to wink. They smiled politely, afterwards one of them put her purse in a dull chair subsequent to her, told me to suffer a film (she might have rolled her eyes, though it was too dim to tell), and forked adult a aisle.

I took off my coupler and found a chair in a center of a swarming row, realizing that with no good place to put my coat, I’d have to reason it in my path – that substantially done a people on possibly side of me nervous.

Finally, a residence lights went down.

As it incited out, “Fifty Shades of Grey” had copiousness of what this assembly came to see: sex in beds, sex in chairs, sex in bathtubs, sex in blindfolds, sex in neckties, sex in Christian Grey’s “Red Room of Pain.”

I sat by it all, alone, wearing an outfit it took me 20 mins to collect out, with my cloak in my lap, limbs hold uncomfortably tighten together so as to minimize a contingency of brushing adult opposite a people subsequent to me, staring true forward during a shade though honestly meditative about one thing and one thing only.

I should have usually left with a Victoria’s Secret catalog.


(Click here to examination Observer film censor Lawrence Toppman’s examination of “Fifty Shades of Grey.” Spoiler alert: He hated it.)

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